#yesallmen: HOW TO BE A BETTER MALE FEMINIST

You want to scare a Pakistani man? Say the magic word: feminism.

Over the years, this innocuous word that stands for the equality of all human beings has been equated with moral depravity and the decline of society. We see this more prominently in patriarchal societies, where women rising up to demand their rights is seen as vulgar, propagandist and even calamitous (women in jeans are the reason why earthquakes happen right?).

However, I’m not here to reiterate common knowledge. It is not news anymore that the word feminism and its basic meaning has been turned into something filthy—a plague that all ‘good’ women should avoid. We all know that we live in a society entrenched in myopic views and we are all aware of the slew of hatred and abuse that women receive on a daily basis. Whether they’re organising the Aurat March, or reporting harassment at the workplace, their demands are contorted and twisted. In the case of sexual crimes, the victim, mostly the female, is slut-shamed and victim-blamed. This isn’t the worst of it though—the worst are the supposed allies, the performative woke men and the ones with who carry the mantle of #notallmen.

Barely a second after a woman, fed up of the system that’s continuously stacked against her, decides to voice her opinion of men, relay an incident that she’s experienced or bash a man for his atrocious behaviour, a barrage of #notallmen is offered up. This is where the problem lies. Cisgender, masculine men are the most privileged of our society, yet are immediately threatened when someone exposes one of their lot. They run to defend the entire group of them, but for what? Many it seems, want to provide hope for the victims; that there is a world of decent people out there. But, how does this help a person who’s been through the worst at the hands of a man? What men should be doing is stop feeling so insecure and own up to the gross failings of other cisgender men; they should hold them accountable and actively encourage a relearning of their behaviour towards women. Sadly, the majority of the #notallmen crowd is a long way from that sort of reformation.

I, therefore, would like to focus more on the ones who are woke because it’s cool, the performative allies, whose allyship remains on the surface at best. Additionally, there are many who label themselves as feminists, but are always looking towards others to guide them along. So if your feminism as a man is a bit suspect, here’s a refresher on how to fix it, in no particular order (I’d like to thank writer, comedienne and radio jockey Sabah Bano Malik for her input):

1. Educate Yourself: the burden to explain what feminism is about, the problems women face and the road to a reformed society isn’t on the affected party. Don’t expect them to sit you down and expend emotional labour to explain to you what you need to be doing. Do a simple Google search. There are plenty of resources out there that will inform you of the issues at hand.
2. Listen: when women are talking, it is imperative that you listen to them without judgement. Believe them when they tell you about their problems or the abuse they’ve experienced and then listen to them when they tell you what needs to be fixed. Do not, for the love of God, try to minimise their trauma or lived reality and do not offer any other variation of #notallmen.
3. Use your Privilege: It’s not enough to simply show up to feminist rallies and tweet your opinion on the matter, feminism starts from home. Look around you, see what’s happening with domestic staff and their rights, see if you’re being given extra love due to being a son, observe your friends and call out their misogynist behaviour and educate them. If you can’t use your privilege to create opportunities and a safe environment for the oppressed, then your feminism is futile.
4. Follow their Lead: Never mansplain. If you think you’re in fact more informed or educated about a certain topic, then find a courteous way to highlight that. Do not talk down to women when they’re discussing solutions to problems they face. If they say x is a problem, then it is a problem—even if you weren’t previously aware of it. Let the ones affected by the patriarchy define what change they want to see.
5. You’re Not Always Required: There will be times when a feminist discussion or forum will be held where you, even a well-meaning individual, will be excluded because you’re not a woman. Do not complain, do not fuss and remember: it’s not about you. Women need spaces where they can feel safe. So don’t impose on such gatherings.

A few other things to keep in mind are:

l               Do not expect a badge or medal for your efforts, or even a reward

l               Be intersectional in your feminism (look it up)

l               Being a feminist to get a girl’s attention makes you the opposite

l               It’s not about you

l               Constantly analyse your own behaviour

I spoke to friend, journalist and fashion stylist Haiya Bokhari and she stated that the first thing men should do is to learn empathy. She says, “It’s difficult to empathise with anyone else if you’re suppressing your own emotions. Before men can embark on a journey of becoming allies, they must be able to look inside and have difficult conversations with themselves.” This is incredibly true. Men need to realise that the patriarchy is also damaging to us and our own development. Learning to be in touch with our own emotions isn’t weakness; toxic masculinity and fragile egos must go.

And as Sabah said to me, “Acknowledge that a divide exists, acknowledge that the world is different for women and girls and non cisgendered males. Acknowledge your privilege and don’t make excuses.”

Because the fact of the matter is, till the patriarchy survives and cisgendered men reap its benefits: #yesallmen